Today began in extraordinary peace, at least for these times. I woke feeling good in mind, body and spirit.
Life goes on even when we don’t want it to, even when the losses not only seem unbearable, they ARE unbearable.
In my nearly five decades of living, one of my greatest lessons is learning that, with a few exceptions, there are no absolutes. Most everything exists on a gradient or a continuum ranging from pure joyful emotion to raging soulful despair.
The before-sobriety me thrived on either end, lived for those highs and lows. They fed my disease of addiction.
Today, I still sometimes respond unhealthily to those extremes. Instead of drinking, I over-eat, I over-work, I obsess and I don’t sleep. I’m not very good in the coping department.
I’ve been doing a lot of those unhealthy things lately as I grieve my mother’s death. Plus, I’m a bit black-and-blue from beating myself up for the so-called bad behaviors.
I had an insight yesterday. The feelings and responses I’m having right now are all a apart of my grieving process. No one else’s. In my world of checklists and deadlines, I forget that there is no expected completion date for my grief. I’m the only one pressuring myself.
The words from a precious card my Aunt Elda sent to me help (author unknown, published by Bella Greetings Cards):
A Note from Heaven
If I could write a note from Heaven,
this is what I’d say,
Please don’t miss me so much,
I’m with you throughout your day.
You may not see or hear me,
but if you’re quiet and still,
You may just feel my presence;
because, in Heaven, there is free will.
Don’t worry for the day,
it will come and go as planned.
Enjoy each moment you are given,
keep worry from your hand.
Keep sorrow to a minimum;
For if Heaven you could see,
You’d know I’m safe and happy,
I did not cease to be.
Moments in time are brief,
until we’ll be together again,
As Eternity lasts forever,
our lives, they have no end.