Avoiding the Void
My sponsor pointed out to me last night that even after the alcoholic obsession is lifted, we still try to fill a so-called void with temporary fixes. Food is the big one for me right now.
Then I justify and rationalize that I somehow deserve this one thing–ice cream, cake, M&Ms, whatever–as a payoff for all the emotional garbage I’m dealing with.
So here’s the question: If I acknowledge that I’m behaving destructively to mask feelings about my stuff, then why can’t I, just as easily, make a decision not to behave destructively?
And just what does that decision look like?
There is only one decision that trumps all the self-destructive ones. One word answer: God. Let God fill the void.
Is it that simple, a mere invitation? That is what I’m told by tons of men and women far wiser than I.
I think the invitation is a meditative practice, a quiet focusing on God as I breathe, letting Spirit fill me, expanding into that void so that there is no room for anything else. In truth, nothing else is needed, contrary to the b.s. my ego feeds me.
Where am I now? I’m in that murky area of wishing and wanting things to be different, struggling to think that I can’t–CAN’T–take any more stress in my life. As always, trying to make things too hard. That’s my history, afterall, anything worth having has to be gained through hard work, sweat and dogged determination.
Or does it? How difficult can a decision be? Especially if THE decision can be broken down into Mini-D’s (just couldn’t bring myself to write mini-bites). Maybe the first Mini-D is done. I can change the way I approach the consumption of food.
Second Mini-D: I’ll ask for help.
Third Mini-D: Breathe God in. Nothing formal. No big “ohm” moment. Just relax and breathe God in.
Fourth Mini-D: Try to keep my God awareness centered; each time I think about my breathing, I think of God.
Fifth Mini-D: Imagine God smiling. The omnipresent spirit knows I am worthy and good and it seems as if the me in this exercise has a glimmer of belief too.
What do you use to fill the void that we used to plug with alcohol and drugs? Is it constructive or destructive? If it’s the latter, how do you do things differently to get yourself to a better place?